Women are classic and brainy cold blooded murderers. I’ve read about a woman who killed her husband by arsenic poisoning and later she chopped his fingers and tonsured his head, as arsenic tends to accumulate at the tips of hair and nails.

Even fiction has its own greatest female murderers. Be it, Catherine Tramell in Basic Instinct or Julia Russel in Original sin, to name a few. Let’s see how Nisha ranks with these classy killers.

Nisha’s a sweet girl. And she’s witty too. Well, most guys would say that’s a rare combination but there’s no rarity about it.

I know she loves me a lot. And I know she scolds me a lot too, of course out of love. But I never thought I have become such a pest that she wants to exterminate… err murder me.

One fine day, I was cleaning the home, after a lot of pestering, when I came across this book, “How to kill your husband…” I barely had time to glance the cover when Nisha called my name. In a desperate attempt to keep her ignorant of my finding, I placed back, the book and acted as if I knew nothing about it.

Why does she want to kill me? Is she after the insurance money or did she find some other lover? Oh God, India has come of an age where the proto-female is ready to do anything?

So, when is she gonna kill me? And how?

A few minutes after vacuuming the hall, I stepped down and lay on the bed. I opened my laptop and started to browse. Nisha always faulted me for devoting more time on net. I was going through the browsed pages history when my eye caught something odd. Someone’s googled for ‘how to kill your husband’

‘I am gonna kill you one day’, She screamed, one day, when she was pissed off with me. Now, I know the reason.

“Its lunch time,” she called, beckoning me over with her finger.

“Today’s your favorite dish, sweetheart,” she sounded terribly sweet. “Perhaps this is the last time you’re gonna savor,” and she smiled. If smiles can kill, I am ready to die for her smile, of course not meant literally.

Now I get it. She’s poisoned the dish.

No, I am not gonna have it.

And I looked at her. She was walking towards me with a butcher’s knife and was wearing an apron. Perhaps, she doesn’t want the blood to splatter on her clothes. Perhaps after slashing me, she would dispose the knife and apron and make it seem like a murder by an outsider.

Yes, I will have it.

She stood by my side and was tapping the knife gently on the table. Oh my god, she’s gonna chop me into pieces, if I am not gonna eat it. And I was forced to eat the meal. Ofcourse, there were no additives; else I wouldn't have been typing this post. And she hasn’t slashed me either.

“Shall we go shopping?” she proposed. Outright, I jumped in joy. There are less chances of getting killed, outside in the public.

“I will drive the car,” she winked before she snatched the keys from my hand. No, I dint wanna argue. Let me prove that I love her a lot. Perhaps she wouldn’t consider killing me then.

Right from the moment she turned on the ignition, she’s been driving like frenzy.

“Slow down… slow down,” I kinda hollered. She was trying to overtake a car ahead of us. She steered right of the hindering car and I saw a lorry coming in the opposite direction.

I looked at her counting my final minutes. She was wearing a seat belt and I wasn’t. This is how she’s gonna kill me. And nobody would even suspect her.

In the nick of time, she steered left, clear of both the vehicles.

“You almost killed me,” I shrieked. And she laughed blatantly. “Nah, I won’t kill you so smoothly, darling…” her voice echoed in my ears and I had goose flesh.

“Why do you want to kill me?” I asked her.

“Pardon me”

I repeated the question. Her angry looks pierced me. “Are you out of your mind,” she asked angrily.

And then I started to explain her about the search on Google and about the book.

And she started to laugh her heart out making me look like a jackass.

“Dude,” she was still laughing, “There’s this book called How to Kill Your Husband (and Other Handy Household Hints) by Kathy Lette, some cheeky comedy. I was googling for the same” and she was still laughing.

I became an absolute jackass infront of her. Phew, atleast I am sure that she doesn’t wanna kill me.

Men have a higher imagination factor. The moment they see something, they relate it to another thing, weave a story, interconnect and entwine it with other events even if they are unrelated.

So where’s the title justification?

Here are the six steps.

1) Cooking - Scientists try lab tests on guinea pigs and wives try new cuisines on husbands. The first and the foremost way to kill.
2) Driving - It is a scientific fact that women have less spatial analysis than men and hence aren’t very good drivers.
3) Shopping - The word itself suggests how dangerous this can be, for husbands.
4) Screaming - The shrill pitch of a woman’s scream can blow the drums off your ears. Sometimes may prove fatal also.
5) Talking\arguing - Scientific facts again. You can never win an argument with a woman. Her linguistic and logical abilities are better than men. Intelligent guys lose. And the remaining perish.
6) Killer looks - They say looks can kill. Guys say this, “I can die for your looks”. Come on. The simplest way to kill... suicide... without your intervention.