What hurts the most? The fact that you are rejected by some one? Or the fact that you are loved most dearly by someone. 

I sat on the porch, overlooking the forest and rolled the coffee mug between my palms as I tried to make myself warm in the cold weather. A thick cloud of fog blanketed the valley and practically nothing was visible down the hill. Equally hazy was my mind. She would be leaving tomorrow. Perhaps I will never see her again if I don’t take a stand now. But I cannot accept her love either! I was not able to bring myself out of this ordeal. 

I looked at her. She rested her shoulder on the column near the railing and looked down into the valley. She was wearing a striped tee shirt and blue denim pants. I don’t know if she was really beautiful but to me she was. 

She was not looking at me but was staring at the stars. Perhaps the thing that was running through my mind was running through hers too. Two days, just two days have changed my life. ‘I love you’, her voice echoed over and over. A lot of things depended on my decision but I know that the road leading me to her love was filled with adversities. 

Two days ago, I didn’t even see this coming! 

She was not my friend. She was not even an acquaintance. I saw her twice, at Hyderabad airport and then in Coorg. 

She was looking very glam, was my initial impression of her. She was fetching her room keys at the reception. And I was right behind her. No, I didn’t even think of talking to her. 

“Hello, first time to Coorg?” I simpered. I’d changed my mind. Coorg is Zion for tourists in the summer. But the winters are cold, very cold. And there are practically no tourists around at this time. She must be on some personal errand, I guessed. 

“Yea,” she replied monosyllabically and then walked towards her room. I too retired to my room and managed to get some sleep. By the time I woke up, it was already noon. After an invigorating hot water bath, I decided to stroll along the countryside.

I’d walked a km or two. It was one of those cold and foggy days and I could barely see a thing a few meters ahead of me. And then I saw her again, walking towards the hotel, where we’d lodged in the morning. 

She looked at me as she crossed my path. I smiled gleefully. She hadn’t returned any. I immediately turned back and started to walk with her. 

“Hello, I am staying the room next to yours at the hotel,” I said, not knowing how to initiate the conversation. 

“Hello,” she wheezed and then blew her nose into a kerchief. 

“You must’ve caught a cold” 

“May be,” she said clearing her throat. There was silence for a while. 

“Coorg, during winters? Some personal work?” I broke the silence. She nodded in agreement. 

“Me too,” I said, relentlessly trying to keep the conversation going, “I came here to look after the tea estates. I come here almost every year” 

She was still stooping low and kept walking. 

“You are fine?” I was getting a bit apprehensive about her. But before I could ask her more questions, we’d reached the hotel, “thanks for walking along. I was feeling very lonely,” she said as a smile flickered across her face. 

The pleasure is mine, I told myself and I smiled back. She was sad, the gloom reflected clearly in her eyes and voice. It wasn’t my job to make her happy but I wanted to know the reason behind her melancholy. Curiosity or interest, you can call it. 

I sat in the porch all through the day, throwing furtive glances at her room, hoping that she would turn up. I sat there looking at the trees down the valley and the lush vegetation cover. The cloud of fog slowly descended as the sun began to set. 

Finally the door opened and she walked towards the porch. She was wearing a chiffon sari, the same one in which I had seen her today morning, and was enrobed in a shawl. She walked towards the railing and I got up from my chair and walked towards her. 

“You are fine?” I again asked her with a sheepish smile. 

“Yes, I am,” she jumped down my throat, “You’ve been asking me since the time I’d arrived. I-am-really-fine.” 

“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to anger you. I was just....” I tried to explain but stopped in between. I knew I was overindulging. Dejected, I started to walk away from her. 

“Excuse me,” she said in a composed voice, “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you” 

I smiled faintly. 

“All these problems… I am so sorry for shouting at you,” she apologized once again. 

“How big a problem can anyone have? The more we think, the more we are burdened,” I said. “You don’t know my problems,” she breathed heavily, “I’ve come here to meet my in-laws,” she continued. Oh, she’s married, I told myself. 

“I will tell you my story. Three years back, I’ve fallen in love with this man. A year later, we were married happily with both our parents consenting to our marriage. Everything was so perfect till the time my husband was diagnosed with bronchial cancer. He’s now being treated in another country. My two year old son and I are living in Hyderabad. Of late, my M-I-L too wasn’t keeping well. So I’ve come to see her but she scolded me, insulted me and cursed me by saying that I was responsible for their current position, even her sons’. I had no option but to listen through all her curses and chastisements.” 

“I myself am undergoing through a lot of pain and there’s nobody on my side,” she gasped, rubbing her bleary eyes. I stood there speechless. “Anyway,” she continued again, “I didn’t say all this just because you’ve asked. I had to remove the burden off my heart. Why you? Probably because of the good reason that we might not meet again, and you’ll be under no obligation,” she ended. 

I was sorry for her. I could imagine the pain and the suffering she would’ve undergone. The entire night I tossed on my bed. I was unable to sleep. I’d a girl friend who gave up on our relationship for nothing. And I was surprised to this woman her sticking to her ailing husband, despite the cattiness and harshness meted out to her. I slowly slipped into my sleep. 

The next day morning, I woke up from my bed and with heavy strides, for I was still lazy, walked to the porch. She was sitting there and greeted as I approached her. 

There was a genuine smile on her face. “After venting all my sadness, I am very relaxed now,” she seemed to have read my mind, “thank you once again”. And I smiled back.

“So when are you leaving? Any plans of visiting you in-laws again?” 

“Tomorrow morning, for the first question and no, for the second” 

“I am planning to spend one day in peace,” she continued, “What about you?” 

“I guess I will be staying behind for the rest of the week,” I replied, “I’d planned to check on the tea estates today, but I guess I will stay behind…. for you!” 

“We could stroll into the country if you like,” I proposed. 

“No, I’ll stay behind. I just want to sit on this porch and enjoy the scenic view from here. I used to do so with my husband.” 

“Ok, I will stay behind with you too,” I said as I dragged a chair closer to hers. 

Slowly we started to talk about ourselves, our likes-dislikes and then something personal. Sometimes a conversation is all it needs to make a good relationship. We spoke for a long time. 

She gently placed her hand over mine and clasped it. “Thank you,” she said. At that moment, I felt a slight pain in my heart. How much she needed someone to listen to her, how much she needed someone to connect with her, how much she needed someone to love her! 

“It’s getting cold out here, you will still like to sit?” I asked. She nodded. “Atleast we can sit on the steps,” I said pointing to them, “and I will get some coffee!” 

We sat on the steps, close to each other. I was looking at the vapours evaporating from my mug. She suddenly burst out crying. I wiped the tears off her face and then she hugged me. I tried to console her but to no avail. She slowly recovered and said, “I know it’s too early. I know that you don’t know anything about me and I know that I am already married and that I’ve a kid too….” There was a long pause.

“Do you love me?” she asked as she clasped my hand tightly. 

It obviously wasn’t an ‘of course yes, with all my heart’ answer. I don’t know the answer. She herself gave me all the reasons. I didn’t know if I were to say a yes or a no. 

She loosened her clasp slowly and she moved away from me. “I am sorry,” she said. I could understand her. I felt sorry for her. But I couldn’t say anything. I was tied up. I wanted to say ‘I am sorry too’ but something prevented me. 

She got onto her feet and walked towards the railing. She rested her shoulder on the column near the railing and looked down into the valley. I left the cup behind on the steps and went to her. I moved my hand towards hers, trying to hold. 

“I am sorry,” I said. 

“We need to think about the society and a lot of other things before…” 

She interrupted me. “No, my mistake, I shouldn’t have asked you that,” she managed a stinging reply, “I don’t know, I have a feeling that I like you. I don’t want you to marry me, or become the father of my child. Neither do I want to go to bed with you. I just want you to love me.” 

“As Mark Twain would put it, Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” 

“Even if you don’t want to say an yes, it’s alright. But please don’t say a no. Two days in my life, I lived, forgetting all my worries. Let me remember this as a dream, a beautiful one. I don’t need anything more from you” 

“I will be leaving tomorrow morning. But one thing, I want you to know before I leave. I’ve fallen in love with you, and nobody can deny that. My marriage, my kid have nothing to do with my love. I love you and I will love you forever,” 

Those were her last words which still echo in my mind. 

She often wrote to me. 

‘… at this time, I believe you are walking across the room reading this letter, I know you don’t like to stay in the same place…’ 

‘… I believe you’d grown a lot of beard, and haven’t shaved in ages….’ 

‘… the next time you shop, buy for yourself pair of denim pants and a plain white full sleeved shirt, I am sure that would suit you…’ 

And so on. But she never dumped on me her problems at anytime. 

I never replied to any of them. One day she wrote, ‘… I’m tired of waiting for you. Day after day, I wait for your letter, your reply. But I’ve received none. Either you’ve forgotten me, or you don’t want to reply for reasons not known to me. Anyway, I suppose that you don’t want me to write to you and disturb you. So this shall be my last letter. 

Love was bliss, when I was with you. Love was beautiful, when it happened to me. Love was inspiration and courage, it made me bold. Love was sorrow, when I overcame it. Love was you, and I will cherish it. Love transcends everything else. And one day you will realize it. Yours ever …’ 

She never wrote to me after that. The last I’ve heard about her, her husband was totally cured and that she’s happy now, that he takes good care of her and her kid. 

I didn’t know if I missed a wonderful relationship. Deep in my heart, I knew that she loved me. All she wanted was a little love. 

But how could I’ve told her that I’d fallen in love with her at the first sight! How could I’ve told her that I love her the same way she loves me! How could I’ve told her that I wanted her as much as she wanted me!  

Every year after year, I come to Coorg and lodge in the same hotel. I am reminded of those two days I spent with her. 

The winters in Coorg are really cold. But colder is the fact that you’ve missed somebody who loved you more than anything else. And even more colder is the fact that your loved one doesn’t acknowledge your love!!!